It is Valentine’s Day as I write this. The holiday of love, an old friend calls it. And apparently heart day if this year’s Walmart cards have anything to say about it. Many dislike it, some ignore it, some selfishly relish in and anticipate it. A precious few enjoy the day for what it used to be, for what it represents. I say it is a worthy day to remember what I call “these three loves”. But I’ll get to those in a moment.
Valentine’s day is in celebration of St Valentine. There are many different accounts and opinions on this day both within the Catholic Church, where it originated and in general history. So I’ll tell you the story how my mother told it to my siblings and I as a child
My story of Valentine’s Day
Valentine was a man , a priest or bishop, beloved by his community and known for his gentle love. He became a hero of romance and family when he continued to perform marriage ceremonies after the ruler of the time banned any male of fighting age from marrying due to an ongoing war. When Valentine was caught and placed in jail, people began to write him letters of encouragement. First the couples he wed, then the children of the community. Eventually it became normal to refer to an encouraging note as a valentine. This idea of sending little “valentines” continued even after Valentine was gone. It became an act of celebration and remembrance, but it also became a form of gentle rebellion.
Regardless of the stability of this story and whether it was legend or fact, it allowed me to fall in love with this holiday for an entirely different reason than much of the world around me. As an adult, remembering how my family celebrated reminds me that holidays are important! They remind us what used to be and what has changed.
These three loves
There are three loves…
In the Greek language there are many individual words for our one English word love, three of them are the strongest definitions. The other Greek words for love refer to actions and ideas that we have individual words for today.
There is Eros, a romantic love, often defined as a sexual passion. Eros is the root for the word erotic.
Philia, the love in a friendship also known as brotherly love or the love between a parent and child. Philia is also where we get the word platonic, which we use to define love within friendship.
The third word, maybe the most well known, is Agape, unconditional love. Agape love does not have to be one sided, but it’s strength does not rely upon the actions of another. Agape is used in the Greek language to describe a love intended to be given and received. We use the words empathy and compassion in the same way. The Bible uses Agape to describe the Love of God. The idea is that, though humans can strive towards giving agape love at all times, the only being who can attain it is an all knowing and all powerful being such as God.
My thoughts on Valentine’s Day
In America, Valentine’s Day has in part, become this strange obsession of self. As a culture,I think Valentine’s Day traditionally carries a one sided expectation of extravagance. Then comes the question of was your gift bigger or fancier than the next? And if you’re not dating than it’s still all about you because, “you don’t need anybody but you”. And “give yourself all the love and gifts you wish to receive from others”. I have heard some seriously ridiculous statements, or charges in the last few years.
There is so much beauty to the idea of celebrating romance. Beautiful and healthy relationships are an artful collection of the three loves and so important to our world. And as someone who loves giving gifts, had I been dating someone this winter, I would have had fun putting together a gift for my Valentine! But I heard someone say the other day that flowers for no reason are the best kind of surprise and that made a lot of sense to me. It is most beautiful to me to give gifts, not out of obligation, but genuinely out of whim and love.
On the flip side I have also heard some very sweet comments about love and singleness mixed in the strangeness of Valentine’s Day. I guess as my younger sister often repeats, “everything in moderation”.
It is important that we learn to give and receive love well. We are all made for community, but being alone is often important. When we focus on one side while holding all else in ignorance, we will struggle. The best kind of balance comes not when we are teetering on the fence of confusion or indecision, but in the ability to stand on two feet with our arms spread wide.
A bit more on these three loves
I often think of love as only a romantic construct. I find this sooo intriguing because Eros is hardly mentioned in the Bible. And while that may not be relevant to some, as a Christian, I don’t know how I failed to notice this. I look forward to dating and marriage with such joy and hope! But learning to love those around me and to love my Father in Heaven is a more pressing matter than daydreaming about the days to come. It is quite silly to imagine too much anyhow, things rarely turn out the way you expect and you often get to say “this is so much better than I thought it would be.”
If I had to choose one quote…
I cannot write about anything regarding love without writing out the quote that runs through my mind nearly every day.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possible broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become untreatable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C. S. Lewis (The Four Loves)
This is what I mean by standing on two feet with your arms wide open! Be steady, but be open. Like the analogy of giving and receiving. We often hold our precious possessions with a tightly closed fist. In order to give anything, you must open your fist, and in order to receive anything, you must leave your hand open.
This is a letter to myself more than anything else, so take the collaboration between my rambling mind and my restless fingers as you will.
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